The Ties That Bind: Two Books About the Power of Sisters

Your sibling is your closest living relative, sharing not only genes, but personal history as well. While the word "sister" has many positive connotations, sometimes relationships between sisters can be also be complicated.

"After all, don't we all fear our sisters to a certain extent- for whatever reason? Fear their harsh words, fear their kind words, fear their beauty, fear their ugliness, fear their age, fear their youth? Fear that we are too much or not enough like them?"
- Josephine Miller, Sisters Project participant (from My Sister, My Self)

Here are two recent books that explore this fascinating topic:




The Sister Knot: Why We Fight, Why We’re Jealous, and Why We’ll Love Each Other No Matter What

By Terri Apter

British psychologist Apter uses interviews with sisters at various ages in both her native country and the US to analyze the sister bond. I was expecting something informative and practical with a few interesting insights, but this was a bit too academic for me. The interviews were kind of dull and Apter’s writing and analysis put me to sleep. This would probably be okay for a psychology term paper, but not great for recreational reading.




My Sister, My Self: Understanding the Sibling Relationship That Shapes Our Lives, Our Loves, and Ourselves

By Vicki Stark

Vicki Stark is a social worker and therapist, with appearances on tv shows like the Today Show and articles in the NYT. She believes that sister relationships play a major role in the development of a woman’s identity, like what career she chooses and what qualities she looks for in a mate.
She called her research The Sister Project and used email questionnaires (included in the book) and interviews to explore sister relationships in both childhood and as adults. There are chapters focusing on oldest, youngest and middle sister roles, as well as one for twin sisters. The interviews feel somewhat tedious to me, but some of Stark’s theories are quite interesting.

Although I don’t agree with all her generalizations, the author’s research reveals some surprising trends and this book did give me some new insight into my own personality, which as the oldest sister seems to be mostly bossy, protective, controlling, responsible, guilty, serious, nurturing, and independent. (Youngest sisters are cute, powerless, protected, dependent, sweet, & affectionate and middle ones are funny, rebellious, wild, sociable, creative, resourceful, practical, & balanced.)

So, if you’ve ever wondered why you are the way you are, you might be able to blame everything on your sisters! Seriously though, this book does offer some interesting ideas about how your familial role and sister relationships impact your life in many unexpected ways.

I think this beautiful quote from the beginning of Stark's book really sums up the relationship between sisters:
"Awake, the girls were always squabbling, their natures at once as fluid as air and as fixed as concrete and above all, eternally opposed to one other. But asleep in their singlets and knickers, beneath a tartan blanket, their small, pale arms overlapping, they seemed to share their dreams and to be content."
-When the World Was Steady by Claire Messud